Tantrums to Happy Tears: Surprised by Motherhood

This post is written in honor and celebration of the release of a most beautiful book written by Lisa-Jo Baker. Surprised by Motherhood: Everything I never expected about being a mom, reads soft, yet powerful … much like a tender memoir. It is a book I wish I devoured when I was a newbie mom and it is a book that I’m so thankful for now during a time when both my little ones attend elementary school. It’s not a parenting book … “you should” and “you must” or “don’t you ever …” are not phrases you’ll find in Lisa-Jo’s stories. What you will find is encouragement, truth, and a reminder that “A mother continues to labor long after the baby is born.” Lisa-Jo’s words come in the voice of a friend and will make you feel brave, gorgeous and valued.

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Three thousand, seven hundred, sixteen days. That’s how long I’ve been a mother. It seems like a long time and then not much time at all.

The first child to call me mommy recently celebrated her tenth birthday and her brother will blow out seven candles in 17 days. The past decade conjured countless stories for me and my family of four. There are moments I want to relive, moments I want to redo, and moments I simply cannot recall.

Surprises? There have been a several …thousands of them.

What surprised me first and more than anything else about being a mom is that I didn’t have the proverbial knack for mothering that I thought came naturally to all women who carried life inside them for nine-months. I mess up. A lot. And when I was a brand new mama, I thought those blunders denoted failure.

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In the beginning, every day brought challenges that taunted me and made me question myself.

My daughter was healthy … beautiful … bright … lively and my love for her will never be measurable. She also threw violent tantrums that sometimes lasted for hours. These were not “ordinary” tantrums and I seldom handled these fits of rage well.

In fact I thought she hated me. I really did, and there was not a book on the planet that prepared me for that feeling.

I remember one day in our Texas apartment when beads of sweat lined up across her forehead causing wayward strands of hair to matte her cherry red cheeks. With her fists balled, her eyes shooting darts of fury, and her nostrils flaring, my daughter squalled in anger-induced hysteria.

Standing in front of my little girl at that moment I inwardly wrestled with my own sadness and anger, which were mixed with feelings of inadequacy. I felt clueless, helpless, and useless. My child had been lingering in that state of wrath for more than thirty minutes…nothing I tried diffused the situation.

Exasperated and frightened that one of our neighbors might call the police to report such chaos, I walked away from my girl and locked myself in my bedroom so I could call a dear friend who had three children. She listened to the burning, airless sobs that climbed up my throat and she could hear the wails on the other side of my bedroom door.

“I. can’t. do. this.” I choked. “I’m a horrible mother. I cannot be what she wants, what she needs. I don’t have what it takes to be a good mother to her and that’s what I want more than anything.”

My friend mostly listened and said few words, but when she spoke, it was powerful.

“Oh sweetie. You are exactly what she needs in a mother! God doesn’t make mistakes, Angela, you know that. God made her for you and Napp … He GAVE her to you and Napp. You can do this … with Him … you can do this.”

Peace filled me, even though my daughter’s screaming continued to fill our small apartment. I slowly opened my bedroom door and sat on the floor just inches from the girl-child I loved. Firmly gripping her shoulders I pulled her into my arms and I held her tightly while rocking back and forth. At first, she flailed forcefully trying to escape my embrace.

“No Mommy,” she yelled. “No! I’m mad, mad, mad! I don’t want to hug you Mommy. I’m mad. I’m mad. I’m mad!”

I didn’t let go. I couldn’t. Steadied by a calm I am certain was a grace gifted by God, I held my daughter close and gently pressed my lips on her wet head.

After another minute of squirming, she stopped screaming. She stopped fighting me. Her body went limp from exhaustion and her breathing was loud and heavy. Still, I kept her in my arms and continued giving her gentle kisses until she fell asleep.

We both took naps that day and when I awoke from mine, I felt stronger. I no longer doubted my purpose as a mom.

That story took place about eight years ago. More tantrums followed … hers … mine … my son’s … but I’m steadied by the truth that no matter how hard it gets, these two kids of mine were handpicked for me and my husband by God.

At ten, my sweet girl manages her emotions more graciously than she did when she loved Elmo and Dora. She radiates joy and kindness. She loves deeply and serves quickly. When I asked her for permission to publish the tale of her epic tantrum, she agreed … with one condition. She wanted to write something in her own words for the post. I took her deal … and when I read her words … I cried. Happy tears.

I almost cannot believe that I threw so many hissy fits when I was a little toddler. I don’t remember the tantrums, but that’s because I don’t remember all that much from when I was very small. I do remember dancing to Nemo music in my bedroom with my mom when we lived in Texas. I also remember pretending to cook my mom fancy meals from my play kitchen. She would pretend they were delicious.

When I look into my past and see where I am right now, a lot has changed. But I know something that has never changed … EVER … no mater how much I have changed: my mom will always be there for me! We have such good times together and we’re even planning a mommy-daughter weekend together soon and I cannot wait. No matter what happens to me in the future, I know that my mom will always be there for me.” – X. Nazworth, Age 10.

I needed those words and I’m going to keep them tucked tight to my heart. Tomorrow will bring more surprises, of that, I’m certain. But I’m ready.

Mean Streak

Photo Credit: iStock

Photo Credit: iStock

Growing up, my family owned a cat we called “Kitty-Bob.” With his fluffy orange fur, rotund physique and surly disposition, Kitty-Bob reminded me of a real-life Garfield. I’m certain that if Kitty-Bob could have talked, sarcasm would have been his first language.

Kitty-Bob wasn’t always mean. He had tender moments … moments when he’d want to snuggle close enough for fingers to gently massage behind his ears and underneath his chin. But, unfortunately, those moments seldom occurred and when they did happen, they were on Kitty-Bob’s terms.

For instance, if Kitty-Bob was resting on the couch and was affectionately approached by a person who didn’t know him better, that poor, unsuspecting soul would be greeted with sharp claws and teeth. Given that piece of information, one would ascertain that Kitty-Bob should not be touched. Well … that approach worked just fine until Kitty-Bob decided he wanted his ears stroked and bit the closest hand to him before he smooshed his large head under said hand.

I’m telling you, that cat’s mean streak matched his girth.

While I’d classify my temperament in a much nicer league than the dearly-departed Kitty-Bob’s … I’m not always kind. In fact, I have mean moments. More than I’d care to admit. I shared a glimpse of my inner mean girl over at (in)Courage today. I hope you’ll wander over to take a peek … and if I do, I sure hope you’ll still come back here … I promise, I’m usually sweet.

Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Proverbs 16:24

When You Don’t Like Yourself (Give-Away Post)

Wonderfully Made

Have you ever taken a look at yourself and thought, “Girl, you’re so messed up, I can barely stand you?”

I’m not talking about staring down a mirror and lamenting the shape of your nose or the crow’s feet perched beside your eyes.

I’m referring to moments when you simply don’t like yourself.

The times when you feel awkward, inadequate, friendless and unwanted. The days when your best efforts reel in disappointment instead of accolades. Moments when your actions beget disapproval and your voice crawls timid down your throbbing throat.

Perhaps the bitter feelings toward yourself surfaced after you made a mistake. Maybe you found yourself stirring a pot when you only intended to sprinkle in some seeds of goodwill. I experienced a moment like that just a few hours ago, and while I likely won’t even remember the incident several months from now, in that instance it was enough to resurrect a part of myself I’d rather stay dormant.

Or maybe the cause of self-disenchantment hides deep within your core. Instead of feeling like you’ve made a mistake, you might feel like you are a mistake. I’ve been there before.

Another possible cause of disliking yourself could stem from emotional trauma … the kind inflicted by others … or as in my case from five years ago … your own body.

For many of the battles I fought during my life, I found my most formidable opponent to be myself:

Each time I owned an error I didn’t make, I delivered a quick jab to my left

When dredged up past guilt, I landed a hook punch to my jaw

And, whenever I believed a lie about my self-worth, I dealt a severe uppercut that sent me wobbling to the floor

Time and time again I go to that miserable place where
I slap on a label that reads “misfit” instead of proudly displaying the one emblazoned with”beloved.”

Last week I received a gift in the mail from my dear friend, Lisa Leonard that reminded me of a truth that I too often forget. Even though the present was not a surprise, tears stung my eyes when I opened the package to find the beautiful necklace (pictured above) from Lisa’s Faith Collection. The words “wonderfully made” stamped on silver tell me who I am. They remind me that the mishaps that do come from my own judgement errors, pale in comparison to the mistake of digging out that tattered veil of rejection and placing it atop my head.

They tell me that I’m God’s child. That I am beautiful, wanted … adored. They tell me that I wield purpose.

One reason why I share such personal anecdotes on my blog is because I know I’m not alone. I know that many of the experiences and feelings that are etched into my life are shared by others. I know that when I bring light to my own issues, I can help others feel less alienated and more whole.

And that is why I’d like to give one of my readers a chance to win a $50 gift certificate from DaySpring to be used to purchase something from Lisa’s collection and perhaps a few other of your favorite things. All of Lisa’s creations in the Faith Collection are stamps with words of hope and encouragement such as: By Grace Alone; Daily Grow in Grace; Be Still and Know; He Call the Stars by Name; and many more.

How can you win this Lisa Leonard goodness? That’s the easy part. Just leave a comment below stating something that you LIKE about yourself. Something from the Creator that was woven into your being. That’s it. The contest will be open until 8:00 p.m. EST on Thursday December 6, so the winner will have time to take advantage of the DaySpring jewelry sale that ends December 9. Also, you get an extra entry for tweeting this post and one for sharing this post on your Facebook page. Just leave an extra comment telling me you shared and you’ll be entered twice … or three times!

Even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

31 Days of Adjusting to a New Job

The past six months have been a whirlwind of crazy. Good crazy. Bad crazy. And just plain Crazy-Crazy (you know, kind of like when a second-grader describes a crush as “like-like.” It’s not love … but it’s not ordinary either).

The upheaval of which I am writing began this past February when I was laid-off from my job with a bank in Ohio. You can read all about that here.

It was a scary situation, but the Lord provided through another position. It wasn’t my dream job. No benefits, low salary and work that was out of my comfort zone, but it was a job and I was grateful. I also made some fabulous friends through the experience and gained learned so much.

The new job was a telecommute position, but since it was based in the D.C. area, my husband and I decided to move back. We did that this past June.

Ready for more crazy? The really, really good kind of crazy?

In an unreal twist of events (which I will share later), I received an opportunity to work for a national nonprofit association. In short … my dream job.

I started last Monday and I am thrilled.

Although it is a great opportunity, adjusting to a new job is always an adventure. I’ve done it before … but this time, I’m going to share a lot of this great adventure with you!

The fabulous Nester has just started her annual 31 Days series. I decided to join in on the fun and share my experience of adjusting to my new job. I hope to have creative tips and ideas to give you each day.

Click HERE to read my latest post in this series.