Four white trash bags slump beside my front door. Boxes, bubble wrap, and packing tape own prime real estate in each room, and the fate of miscellaneous items remains undecided.
Just three days before my family travels to its new home in a different state, fear has snaked into my calm. I silently beg my lungs to accept the air it’s offered and blink my eyes just tight
enough to corral a flow of tears. Stiffening my upper lip, I continue to pack our belongings.
Ironically, it is the calm and not the chaos that frightens me.
As I prepare for this journey, I think about our move last year. Pickle was just four-months-old and my PPD was being managed. I didn’t look forward to a cross country move, but hope dominated my feelings.
I didn’t anticipate that shortly after arriving into our new home that I would no longer recognize myself. Not one of the friends who hugged me goodbye would have predicted that the same woman who joyfully stopped packing boxes so she could to talk about Jesus with the appliance repair man would experience a nervous breakdown a few months later.
Last year’s emotional upheaval caught me off guard and twisted my life into a dangerous labyrinth. Could it happen again? Will it happen again? Those are the anxiety inducing thoughts that trouble me.
My heart pounds as I wrestle with possible scenarios. And I seem incapable of grasping the thoughts I am to “take captive.”
I chide myself and think, In the scheme of life moving is not such a big deal. It’s a stressor, but it’s not cancer, get a grip.
In a manner that is neither gentle, nor rough, I pinch the skin on my arms.
Again, my lungs lack oxygen, my chest aches, and my knees tremble. I yearn for truth, but find it difficult to recall. Yet, I know how to find it, so I search the Psalms.
“When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.” Psalm 53:3-4 (NIV).
Hmm. I’m still afraid. What if…
And then a word thrusts itself to the center of my thoughts…TRUST. Sometimes, fear enters first, but trust in the true God has the power to eradicate the most arresting apprehensions. Just as fire and ice cannot occupy the same space, neither can fear and trust. When one is embraced, the other is cast away.
While I cannot control the universe, I can control my choices. Will I trust or will I fear? Tonight, I choose to trust my Savior.
“Because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Cor. 4:14-18 (NIV).