(While these words are my own and result from personal events that occurred on October 9, 2008, I feel compelled to add that I recently read chapter three of Joann Weaver’s “Having a Mary Spirit” and was inspired by many concepts she presented. And once again, I’m not sure what is up with the formatting…perhaps Blogger has an evil twin too)
When I was a little girl, my mom and grandmother watched soap operas. I remember watching along with them as I sat in the living room and played with my “Little People” play sets. Once, a heroine went missing, was presumed dead, and then came home just days later. At first, her family rejoiced over her miraculous return, but as time went on they discovered she was different.
Months later the secret behind her mysterious behavior was revealed. The heroine had never returned. She was being held prisoner in an old farm house while her long lost twin sister assumed her identity. (Insert dramatic music here). The. Evil. Twin. The sibling who everyone forgot existed stole her beloved sister’s persona and began to live her life.
Often, I feel as though I have an evil twin. Only she doesn’t live in another town, she lives inside my body. I’m not writing about demonic possession, merely about the battle of good and evil
that rages in us all. Sometimes I feel as if there are two of me…one who is charming and pleasant, and another who is down right spiteful.
The “good me,” the part of me who I want to refer to as the real me, does her best to keep the evil twin at bay. She tries, but truth be known, she’s terribly weak. And that evil twin, well she’s quite crafty.
Yesterday morning it was as if this evil twin of mine bonked me over the head, drug me into a basement and then took over my life. She barked at my sweet children and criticized Pumpkindoodle for not walking fast enough. She even growled at Pickle when he whined for his morning cup of milk.
The entire morning was spent finding fault with others. Angry at life, everyone alive was deemed guilty by association. Through clenched teeth she bellowed that the day was going to be dedicated to cleaning and organization. It was made clear that anyone who didn’t agree with what she had in mind better get out of the way and remain silent. She was not in the mood for protests. I shuddered and averted my eyes as I heard her mutter that she was not even in the mood to be a mother.
Deep breath. I wish, oh how I wish I really was chained up in a basement watching the events of that day play before my eyes on a TV monitor. How I wish that I could write that it wasn’t really me, that it truly was an evil twin and that I had no say in the matter. To watch someone else hurt my loved ones would be horrifying. Realizing that it is I who am responsible for the pain-filled eyes that return my icy stares…that is devastation.
While still in evil twin mode, I decided that baking a cake would bring back peace to my conflicted home. And if not, well at least it would make me feel better. I went to the dollar store and as the clerk rang up the price of the mix and frosting, she mentioned her love for cake. Then I heard a familiar sound—the voice of the “good me.” All traces of the sarcasm laced dialect that I spoke with earlier that morning disappeared. It was my voice that sincerely asked, “How long will you be working today? I’ll bring you a slice.”
I left the store promising to return with a piece of cake. The woman was delighted. I fought back tears as I headed to my car and gently kissed each of my children as I strapped them into their safety seats.
It was as if God reminded me that although there is a hideously depraved woman living inside my shell, she’s not in there alone. Jesus also lives within me. In fact, there really isn’t a “good” me. The only good that comes from this body of mine are the pieces of me that I’ve submitted to Christ. He is far more powerful than any brand of evil. And He will be victorious in refining me…evicting that deranged double of mine for once and for all. Dear Lord, how I wish that day would soon come.
Romans 7:14-27 (New Living Translation)
14 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. 15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.