For the next few weeks, Angela will be hosting a series on sight. Various guest posters will visit her site to give her eyes time to recover.
Post by: Kelly Balarie
Angela, sweet Angela, cannot see things right now. Her doctor and her pained eyes both informed her that all screen time should be non-existant. Eyes closed, I can only imagine how Angela hopes to find relief, sweet relief, and answers, abundant answers. Perhaps, she wants to see everything in new light. I don’t know, but what I do know is that it pains me that I can’t do more for Angela. I can pray, though. You can too. We both can sympathize with her. We can ask God to intervene for her.
In the face of a blaring computer, I clenched my eyes shut this morning – tight.
I wanted to see how Angela is seeing, I wanted to draw near to the idea that I don’t have to handle it all, that I can be like her – still. But, all the same, I found myself inclining towards doing.
“God, are you here?” I thought.
Like in life, something in me wanted to talk 100 miles a minute, something wanted to praise, to worship and push out things to him, like I always did. And, sure, there is nothing wrong with praise, worship and heartfelt sharing with God, but this time, he was calling me a different way.
“Kelly, just be with me.”
It was hardly a nudge, but much more like a gentle hand turning my shoulder inward, so I could look directly into his face. And, let me tell you all – this is where real gets real, my friends. Where flaws seem flawed. Where true faith gets apparent. It is much easier to keep God at an arms length through words, shows and distant praises. To let him see into you, without airs, without extra hide and without show-offy words. Wow, you suddenly realize God is really seeing you. You loosen up.
Have you ever considered ritual may keep you from relationship?
I think I often believe my performance will get me somewhere, as if God may finally say, “Wow, that Kelly, she really loves me well. I better love her well too.” Or, perhaps he might think, “She really knows how to pray. I gotta take care of her.”
But, he didn’t say that. He just said, “No Kelly, just be – in me.”
I relaxed or tried to at least – after about 10 attempts. But, finally, like a 130-pound weight in the center of a Tempur-Pedic bed, I sank down. Time after time, I pulled the leash of my stray mind back and kept my eyes on him, fighting – doing and claiming – being.
I let go of the endless demands. They waved goodbye to me. I let expectations fly by the wind. I just was. With open ears. A willing heart and a determination to keep getting back to Him.
What I heard was, “Kelly, when you just are, without pretenses, suddenly you realize that I AM, the I AM.”
And, my eyes opened. They could see…
When he is, I don’t have to be.
When I just lay down in his ways, he speaks to mine.
When I stop trying, I find myself relying on grace.
I felt like a blind girl with new sight. God doesn’t need my this and that and I will’s and I should’s and I will show you’s. No. He just wants me. Sometimes, he just wants me because he wants me to see that he loves me unbarred and unbelievably. He looks at me, but he doesn’t see the flaws, he sees his righteousness.
He sees beloved shine out from my darkness.
So, I guess if there was one hope that I have for my dear friend Angela, with her eyes closed, it is this: I hope that she knows God looks at her as beloved, fully clothed in his righteousness. May she see how he adores her and says, “There she is. She is good and I love her.”
I hope she feels this. For it is not about seeing, doing or working, but it is solely about sitting – in his love.
God, I want you. I want you above the endless routes and plans of my mind. I want you to meet you at the intersection of my heart. I want you with all I am. Help me to let me move out of the way to let you come in. Help me be okay in front of you. Help me receive the fullness of your full. I don’t want to get in your way. You are great and you love me greatly. I want to be with you more. I love you. Amen.
And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Mt. 6:7
‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ Jer. 33:3
Kelly Balarie is a cheerleader for the other gals. You know them. They are the ones fighting in faith, just like she is to stay with God. Through finding God’s encouragement, she simply shares it. It is just that simple.